Bum Reviews: Paranoia
by ChekhovTheTroper
Summary: In this addition of "Bum Reviews", Chester A. Bum decides to take a look at the Cinema Snob's magnum opus Paranoia. All we can say to that is…what?


_And now it's time for Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's review: Paranoia_

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OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

What? Huh? SPOILERS!

There's this man named Brad Jones, and his girlfriend is moving out!

And she's like: "I spent five years trying to support this house, so naturally I must move out instead of you!"

And Brad's like: "Get back into your house, woman! Wait, but then I don't have a house. Whose house is this again? Did we even file any legal paper stating who owns—?"

"Goodbyeeee!"

"Well, at least I can keep the Ring of Power."

And apparently the Ring of Power has a fetish for breaded men, because it summons a bearded messager boy!

_I _summoned a bearded messager boy once!

Whatever happens in Disneyland stays in Disneyland.

But the bearded messager boy is shot by the Contrived Coincidence trope.

And he's like: "Don't shoot the messager—_ouuuch_."

*falls*

And Brad's like: "Uh oh, I'm just gonna drag you in instead of immediately call the police."

"WAIT!"

*beat; Bearded Messager closes door*

"Now, then."

*falls again*

So Brad Jones tries to go next-door and use Bearded Neighbor's phone, because…he doesn't have a phone of his own?

And Brad is like: "Dude, there's a dead person in my house. Can I use your phone?"

And Bearded Neighbor is like: "I shall argue with you senselessly because my acting is as dull as yours."

"Senseless arguing."

"Senseless arguing."

"Senseless arguing."

"Pay me."

"WHAT?"

"This is payback for writing that film _Cheap._"

"Oh, crap."

So then Brad goes home and sees that Bearded Messager has gone back home to Disneyland. However, Brad finds him sleeping in the tub.

And they're like: "WHAT?"

"How did I get in here?"

"WHAT?"

"How am I still alive?"

"WHAT?"

"Why does everyone look like they smoked blunts before the cameras started rolling?"

"WHAT?"

"Why do you suddenly have a gun?"

*BANG*

So Brad celebrates playing God by drinking Southern Comfort. Oh, c'mon, that's what _everyone _does after they just killed someone they tried to help!

Or when they just produced _Grown Ups 2_.

Both actions are pretty evil.

But, in case you haven't guessed it, Brad gets into some strange situations while trying to dispose of the body, such as getting pulled over by Bearded Policeman—

"Are you my killer?"

—hiding his dead friend in the shotgun seat so everyone can see him—

"Mommy, why is that sleepy man not waking up?"

"He collaborated with Brad Jones."

"Ohhhh."

—and listening to a nameless cameo reciting Psycologicalty for Dummies while sitting on the pot.

"Go and smell the roses, biatch!"

But when Brad finally gets rid of him and visits his house, the Bearded Messager's lady-friend stops by to give him Doctor Who's Sonic Screwdriver 2.0.

The Ring of Power AND the Sonic Screwdriver?! Why couldn't MY girlfriend do that for me?!

So, Brad takes the screwdriver and walks down to street, only to run into Bearded Mechanic, who quit his job 5 minutes ago.

And they're like: "Tail-light!"

"Headache!"

"Cigarettes!"

"I, am, _greatest_, Shatner."

So, Brad goes to a nearby restaurant that has free water and your optional choice of music.

Hey, that sounds like my kind of place!

But when a pretty waitress starts to chat with him, Brad is like: "This, is, the part, of, the movie, where, I, start, to, monologue, for, no, apparent, reason, and I, talk, about, my wife, my life, my, stupid, decision, to go, out for, a walk, when, there's, clearly, a, killer, on, the loose—"

"Can I just get paid for showing my cleavage?"

But then the waitress is held hostage by the Whitest Kids U Know because, I guess they didn't get free water after all.

And Jones is like: "PARANOIA, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

*BANG, BANG, BANG*

So Brad decides to steal one of the dead men's guns and somehow, he doesn't call the police. Yeesh, no social life, no wife, and you're concerned about being on the run for murdering Bearded Bad Guys?

Stop stealing my spotlight, Jonesy! That's supposed to be my shtick.

But Jones's shtick consists of smoking a cigarette and confiding to a dead boy about his past.

Reminds me of my girlfriend! Except I was smoking crack and she was calling out Tiger Woods's name in her sleep.

That was a rough time for me.

But it's not a rough time for Brad because, through the Ring of Power, he ends up in a nightclub and buys a hooker with glasses.

_I _bought a hooker with glasses once!

I'm looking at _you_, Doug Walker!

So Brad tries to stab a new hole into his hooker, but ends up back in his home.

Okay, it's official. Whatever he's on, I want some of that stuff!

So Brad confronts Bearded Messager again, and they're like: "How is this—?"

"Possible?"

"You're—"

"Dead?"

"Stop—"

"It?

"You—"

"Instant mental transition!"

"AAAAAAAAHHH!"

So Brad goes back to the acid-trip bar, and another hooker approaches him. And she's like: "Hey, there, hot stuff."

And he's like: "Eww. Take me back. Thank you."

Then Brad tries to shoot Bearded Messager, but instead decides to gently turn everything off in the house before shooting at the door.

This makes the door angry enough to send him to—no, it's _not _Narnia, it's Father Schmaltzy's Church Playhouse!

"You must repent for destroying the door!"

"WHAT?"

"You were the killer this whole time!"

"WHAT?"

"You are in Hell!"

"WHAT?"

"Dude, have you ever considered saying something other than what?"

"HUH?"

"We'll work on that."

So Brad leaves the church, gets a ride from a white taxi driver, and sets off with the Ring of Power to see his wife…and since she's in Hell, too, there's no doubt that she's smoking hot.

HOORAY!

So, _Paranoia _was a really intense film! Not to mention it brought up some very gripping questions…that weren't really answered, I mean, c'mon, I never got to find out if Brad Jones had a cellphone the whole time! Or if the door came back to life and avenged its unfair shooting!

Let alone if this movie is better than _To Boldly Flee_.

It's still possible.

This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE! YA GOT CHANGE?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

Can I at least have my own Ring of Power so I can summon my own bearded hooker? What, you never considered that before?

* * *

_Seriously though, the Cinema Snob directing a movie…just try to picture that._

* * *

**Actual A/N: ****…have I abused the "WHAT?" quota yet? XD**

**-Peace from the gun-troper**


End file.
